Approved - Independent and Fringe Dalak Krayt

Mandalorian54321

Initiate
Jedi Order
Basic Information

Character name:
Dalak Krayt
-- Aliases: The Voice
Homeworld: Thule
Species: Human
Age: 41
Gender: Male

Faction: Independent and Fringe
-- Rank/position/title: The Voice

Appearance (without robe)

Personality traits
[+] Unseen - Though this isn’t a good nor bad thing, Dalak was good at staying hidden, and not just in combat
[+] Martial Practices - Dalak was great at hand to hand combat, but also with weapons
[+] Brute Strength - He had a bulky build, and often used his strength to his advantage
[-] Hot Tempered - Dalak was quickly angered, and it forced him to occasionally make the wrong decision
[-] Independent - He refused to rely on others, always depending on himself
[-] Pride - He was full of pride, both of his power and strategy

Story so far...

Dalak was born on Thule, a planet which had always been aligned towards the dark side. When he discovered he was force sensitive at 19, the Separatist Alliance, more importantly Count Dooku, showed him opportunities he could never imagine. He had been taught to serve Darth Sidious, their leader, and Emperor, and was one of his most loyal servants. Dalak continued serving Count Dooku as one of his acolytes, serving the Sith Lord loyally. Until Dalak started to wonder why Dooku was seen as the Sith lord, his ways were flawed, his powers were limited, and yet the people of Thule still saw the Count as Lord of the Sith. First, When he died, it was proved he was not the all powerful Sith Lord. He was a fraud. Not only that, but the Emperor fell soon after.

Dooku had been a pretender, Dalak trained constantly, learning the ways of the force on Thule, constantly practicing. Using old scrolls and ancient Sith texts which held teaching of the old ways. He ignored the orders of the CIS and trained anyways possible. Becoming even more powerful. He realised the the Separatist's had been holding him back from his true potential, he could have been so much more.

He claimed the title of The Voice as his favourite way of destroying his opponents was by driving then mad, he would speak into their minds, questioning their choices, and threaten them. They would begin to doubt themselves, and eventually if they didn't get themselves killed, he would strike. He was The Voice in the dark, the one who destroyed minds. He hid in the shadows, and when he struck, he never missed.

Though he was ”sith”, he had no hate towards the Jedi. Dalak trained for years under the Seperatist Alliance as an Acolyte, and rose through the ranks, he then followed the teachings of the God King of the Sith, Darth Andeddu. The more he trained the more he realised the Acolytes power paled in the presence of a Sith Lord. To this day he still trains to one day take the throne of the Sith. Months later he was caught off guard by a Separatists forces during a conflict, and was arrested. He was sent to rot in a prison, till one day, he would be back, and once again, he would strive for victory over the Sith.



The Force

Force Sensitive:
Yes
Lightsaber form: Form IV: Ataru (Practitioner)
Force Powers:
Core Powers

  • Control
    -- Tutaminis (Absorbtion of Energy) -Practitioner
    -- Curato Salva (Self-Healing) -Practitioner
    -- Altus Sopor (Masking ones presence with the Force) - Practitioner
  • Sense
    -- Prima Vitae (Detection of Life) - Practitioner
    -- Tactus Otium (Sensing the Force within others) - Practitioner
    -- Tai Vordrax (Using the Force to sense impressions, trace information from objects and areas) - Practitioner
    -- Telepathy (Reading minds, mentally communicating) - Practitioner
    -- Precognition (also known as "Sense Danger") -Expert
  • Alter
    -- Telekenisis (Ability to manipulate physical matter) -Practitioner
Universal Powers
  • Force Wave - Practitioner
Dark Side Powers
  • Force Tempest - Practitioner
Possessions

Possessions:

-Attachable commlink
-Datapad
-Portable holo map
-Double bladed purple lightsaber
-Single bladed red lightsaber

Personal ship:

N/A
 
Last edited:

Sharkk

Community Team
Staff member
Community Team
So, after looking over the app myself I've just got some notes for ya.

Firstly, you have 3 positives traits/strengths versus 2, you'll need to edit this. On top of this your history is full of errors, from confusing bits to spelling errors. And as by definition to get approved for a stronger/better character you need to have a well written app so you'll need to go through and clean that up. Some pointers for that would be, there's no way he could be 41 and have been discovered by Dooku and the CIS at age 8. Also we aren't going to approve someone having been as powerful as a Sith Lord since they were a child. You also forgot to list the level of your lightsaber form/training.

And finally, your ship choices are uh...quite old, over three thousand years to be exact. They aren't even listed as being refurbished or being new ships based off of the old designs, which if they were there'd need to be an explanation as to how.
 

Kylar Thrane

Community Team
Staff member
Community Team
Jedi Order
I'm going to break my review up in sections. Main note, the character points seem to be all over the board and I think need to be simplified. It would be more appropriate to develop the character's complexity. I like the concept of realizing the CIS cause he is fighting for is not "Sith" and his disillusionment with the faction that lead to his court Marshall and capture. Interesting concept to start in-prison, so I like it. But first, the lot of holes in the story need be to addressed.

Character details: Why is he called "The Voice"? This gives the feeling a dramatic, mystical, and important title assigned/earned....yet there is no backstory nor explanation for why this is. It seems like that should be the main point of the character and a primary motivation, but there is no detail.

Pilot skill - nothing in backstory or character development leading to this skill. Character seems more like a Force sorcerer and fighter, than a space pilot/tactician. Could be to "develop" this skill later thru roleplay posts if it is needed out of necessity of battles/missions, and then add this back to the character.

Backstory 1st Paragraph -
Does not flow at all with the rest of the write-up and seems like a leftover from the 1st draft. Recommend deleting and working details into the story.

Backstory 2nd Paragraph -
Origin on Thule is good, and training as a Dooku Acolyte is good along with being upside after Dooku's death that you questioned how he was powerful enough to be a Sith. However, timeline is messed up. Dooku was killed by Anakin before Sidious was discovered and captured. So I would change that bit about Darth Sidious' fall or just delete it. Also, Thule would have worshiped Dooku and Sidious as Darths but not as "Emperor".

Backstory 3rd Paragraph -
I like training separately by returning to Thule, but probably be able to learn via scrolls and old texts. Sith holcrons are extremely rare at this point, and if any had been left on Thule and be public, Dooku surely would have taken it long ago.

Backstory 4th paragraph -
Unless taken on directly by Dooku as an apprentice (which that only happened to two individuals who are now dead), it would be impossible to say Dalak was trained "by the Sith". Rather, it would make more sense in the story arc to just be trained as a dark Acolyte in the CIS, and realize thru your other studies of the ancient Sith, that the Acolytes pale in comparison to actual Sith Lords. Thus it would be more appropriate for your character to have this realization and go on the search for more "knowledge", but it would be hard to argue that you grew in power with no one to train you besides a few texts. In reality, only other Force wielders to learn from would be your fellow Acolytes at this point in your character's story, thus I can't see their Force skills developing much past learner/practioner on any level until you start role-playing to gain knowledge. His end dream of rising to become a great Sith lord and sieze the Sith throne is totally fine and okay to aspire too. But he has a long way to train.

Ship -
First off, I like the old/new style of ship choice just because it's cool. However, if you start off in prison with not but the clothes on your back and a saber being held by the prison warden, it makes more sense to me to start with no ship, but instead have this a personal roleplay mission to have an ancient Sith craft build in the modern era.....after you break out of prison and do other things first. It would also blend well if you want to actually roleplay to develop your piloting skill as it would be more generic this way.

Force Powers -
To recap again, I can't see how any of your powers could be expert, as you only had some training as a dark Acolyte combined with side learning from old texts. Learner and Practitioner should be standard starting as you want to build your character into a Sith Lord, similar to Darth Bane's aspirations when he first wanted to become a Sith....he was "weak" and had little to no knowledge beyond raw potential until he actual started to learn and train under actual Sith. Maybe a good plot line would be your character traveling the galaxy as an independent darksider, trying to learn from the other darkside player characters to increase your own skills.

Summary - Power levels need to be turned down as there is no bearing for a player to start as a "Sith lord in-training", backstory holes need to be adjusted, and the cooler parts of your character history need to be explored if desired, such as the Voice title. Otherwise, starting out as a hungry Acolyte who thinks his dark brethen are a joke and wants to return to a Golden Age of the Sith is great and a good character build. But that development needs to be in roleplay and not fresh out of the gate.
 

Kylar Thrane

Community Team
Staff member
Community Team
Jedi Order
Thanks for making the edits as suggested. Running everything by the Admin team once more, and hoping to have you answer before the end of the day
 
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